Peace

It has been almost two weeks since graduation and I have moved back to Roanoke. I haven't been doing much other than working and hanging out at home. Really though, I haven't even started unpacking everything. That could just be denial that I'm not moving back to school, or out of Roanoke anytime soon. I have been struggling a lot since I have been home just trying to figure out where my life is going. I know there is no sense trying to figure it out because God's timing is much different than mine and I know all of that will be revealed to me in due time. Not to mention, there are so many people I miss from school that I wish weren't hours away! Luckily for me, I am going back to Newport News next weekend because I still have a lot of stuff to get from my apartment and bring back. I am counting down the days to see some of my good friends that are still there.

I know I mention a lot how I struggle with anxiety and I overthink everything. I mean everything. One thing the Lord has really been showing me since I have been home is that I need to learn patience. This past week my devotional was focusing on God's Voice. I read a lot of scripture about listening to the Lord and I think that could not be more perfect for me right now. I need to stop and listen for the Lord over all of my anxious and doubtful thoughts. Each week a part of my devotional is to focus on one of the Psalms. Last week it was Psalm 29. Verse 11 says "The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace." I have been feeling particularly weak lately but this verse really permeated my thoughts. The Lord told Paul "my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Paul writes about rejoicing over his weakness, because when he is weak the Lord makes him strong. I completely related to that, because right now I am feeling weak and I need to lean on the Lord and let him strengthen me. Today I had to work at 4:30... a.m. (Yes people come to the gym that early, crazy!) and I just felt such a sense of peace descending on me.

One way the Lord has definitely answered some prayers for me lately is by blessing me with an awesome opportunity. Two summers ago when I was serving on Summer Staff at Young Life's Windy Gap, one of the families on the Assigned Team was the Faison's. Sarah and Eric have four kids, all of which I absolutely fell in love with. This summer they are on assignment at Young Life's Sharp Top Cove and because Sarah is starting a new job, they need a nanny. I semi-jokingly offered up my services and Sarah asked me to be their nanny. It's official! I will be spending four weeks, June 17 - July 18, being their nanny. I am really excited for the opportunity to return to Sharp Top and be a witness to campers having the best week of their lives and for many of them, accepting Christ. My favorite part of each week is during the last club during the "Say So" when they ask the campers who have decided to begin a relationship with Christ to stand and "say so". It gets me every time and brings tears to my eyes. The month will be a much different experience than I have had before but I am so excited for what the month has in store.

P.S. If you are searching for a good book, I just read "Heaven is For Real". I couldn't put it down and it is a really easy read. It's a wonderful story and really uplifting.

New Phase

This past Sunday I graduated from CNU. The rain held off and while the morning started out overcast, about halfway through Commencement the sun popped out and it ended up being an absolutely beautiful day. I know a lot of people got sunburnt and even though I was a little miserable in my black robes with the sun blaring down, I was protected from the sun. Last week and the days leading up to graduation were pretty difficult for me. Friday was my last day of work at the Freeman Center, where I worked all four years and at the end of my shift I definitely started crying. It was the first time I had to start saying goodbye to people and the realization that it was all over hit me like a brick wall. That evening we had our PLP (President's Leadership Program) Senior Celebration and it was again another closing to something I have been a part of for the past four years. During the ceremony a friend of mine had to give a speech and he talked about how it's the relationships we've built with people that we are going to remember. I can honestly say I have made some amazing friends over the past four years. Many of them older that have gone on to bigger and better things, those who have gone through the entire experience with me and some younger that I am leaving behind and I cannot wait to see what their final years bring for them.

Commencement was such a bittersweet experience for me because while I am thrilled to be done with school, I know we won't all be in one place again. Everyone is moving on and starting the new phases of their lives, or some are finishing up their remaining years at CNU. The biggest thing I have been struggling with is the idea that I am starting over here in Roanoke. I am now charged with building new friendships and finding those ties to my hometown that I used to have. I have only been home for a day and a half but in my boredom, it is really sinking in that I need to reconnect to this place. A friend of mine put it to me this way, going back to Newport News right now won't do me a lot of good because eventually everyone I know is going to be graduating and in the same boat I am in now, this is just a part of growing up and a new phase in my life. That is a hard pill to swallow.

I am incredibly excited to see what the Lord has planned for me over the next year, but I am also absolutely terrified. So if you feel so inclined to just say a little prayer that I will find some comfort and that God will just lead me in this new phase of my life, I would really appreciate it.

God's Word

"For the word of God is living and active." Hebrews 4:12

The section I am in of my Devotional is "Shaped by His Word". The focus is about how to dive into scripture and how to let scripture lead your daily life. After all, scripture is God's word right? It always seems to me that whenever something is heavy on my heart, God uses scripture to set me at ease and to answer the questions on my mind. The hardest part about a heavenly Father is that as humans we need something tangible. It is hard to have a relationship with someone you can't physically see. My thought is that through prayer and just being in the Word you are in company with God. Something I struggle with is the concept that God wants a relationship with me. Who am I to deserve God's grace?

While I find that God answers my questions through scripture I know that he reaches me in other ways. Today I found solace through a book.

I am re-reading my favorite book, Blue Like Jazz, and there is a part when Donald Miller is telling a story about a conversation he had with one of his good friends who had recently gotten married. Don was asking his friend if he thought marriage was all it was cracked up to be and his friend said "It is so much more." His friend tells him that he thought that marriage would give him this feeling of being complete and whole, but it didn't. He says there is nothing wrong with his wife but "there are places in our lives that only God can go." When I first started reading the section I was annoyed but then I felt convicted. His friend explains what he meant by saying "It is so much more." He means that through loving his wife he is able to better interact with God. He says "I mean that to be in a relationship with God is to be loved purely and furiously. And a person who thinks himself unlovable cannot be in a relationship with God because he can't accept who God is; a Being that is love."

It's like the words jumped off the page and smacked me in the face. By loving others and allowing others to love me, to find myself lovable, I will learn how to accept who God is and be in a relationship with him. I struggle a lot with loving myself and uncertainty over how to love other people. I feel selfish because I don't feel like I have truly learned how to care about other people in the way they need. I rely a lot on acceptance from other people, but the reality I am dealing with is that I have to be accepting of myself first. I have to learn how to accept God's grace and how to accept myself. I have to find my worth in this world before I can be "loved purely and furiously" by any friend I make.

So I feel like this is my charge as I enter the "real world" post college: Learn how to accept God's grace. Learn how to accept myself. Learn how to build relationships with other people that benefit us both, not just me. Learn how to care for others. Learn humility.

School's Out For... Ever

It is official, I am done with college. I finished my last assignment Saturday (a picture book, yes my last assignment to complete for undergrad was to draw and color a 32 page picture book). After I turned in my picture book I was walking across campus holding back tears because it hit me that it was all over. I was looking at our beautiful, sprawling campus and thinking about this place that had been my home for the past four years that I am going to be leaving in two weeks. I think I have been in denial that this day would ever come and graduation always seemed like a far off place I wouldn't reach for a really long time.

There are many reasons I am not ready to say bye to CNU. I don't want to say bye to these people I have spent the last four years establishing relationships with. I don't want to say bye to the younger friends I have made that I will leave behind here. I don't want to say bye to my sorority sisters and the bonds I have formed with these amazing women, particularly my littles. I am going to miss being able to just walk to the library and go to Einstein's to find a friend if I am bored. I will miss, much like high school, being able to walk across campus and always seeing a familiar face. Basically, if you haven't gotten the gist, I am going to miss this place like crazy.

I am moving back to Roanoke after graduation. For the last few weeks of the school year I will be substitute teaching and this summer I am going to be working my regular jobs at the RAC and Katie's Ice Cream. It will be good not to jump right into a really serious job when I go home for the summer. Once school starts back in August I will be substitute teaching for the school year and working part time at my other jobs. I am really looking forward to what this next year will hold in store. I will have the freedom to visit new places and come visit all of my friends at CNU. I won't be tied down to Roanoke, which is a great thing. I am really interested to see how my faith grows next year as well. I cannot wait to be able to go to my church again and have a more active role there. I am going to look into volunteer leading with Young Life or serving some ministry, I am not quite sure yet what but I know I want to. I really pray next year I am able to find fellowship, I know without it I will go a little bonkers.

I am currently re-reading for the bajillionth time Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller. The subtitle is 'Nonreligious thoughts on Christian Spirituality'. It is a phenomenal book and it really makes you think a lot so I recommend it to any and every one!